Fundamental Diagreement Series

Through a series of events and a major misunderstanding, someone thought that my summer job was to make a website about what I hate. This premise intrigued me as I consider myself a ranter but have never taken the time to really nail down the precise things that I hate.

However, due to another series of events, I have become more sensitive and maybe even partially converted to the hippie demographic and mentality[either real or self-proclaimed hippies are all the same to me]. So for the sake of the hippies out there I have changed it from "things I hate" to "things that I fundamentally disagree with".*

For all of you visual people out there, I have attempted clarify what these cleverly constructed sentences are saying with pictures. I welcome feedback and discussion so if you happen to like something that I hate, feel free to comment so I can change your mind.

Things I Fundamentally Disagree With:

I will start off slow.

I hate Panera Bread. But its not specifically Panera that I hate, its the foo foo marginally tasty food that will leave you hungry within a half an hour that is served at a plethora of restaurants to image-conscious white chicks. Soup in bread bowl? Get the hell out. 9 dollars for a weak-sauce sandwich with an ounce and a half of meat with a bag of organic potato chips? No freaking gracias.

Its not like you will ever be inches away from starvation and the only thing you can find is a Panera. There is almost ALWAYS a chipotle next door or across the street. Chipotle excels in every area where Panera struggles: It is extraordinarily tasty. it is cheaper. it has organically grown meat and vegetables. Best of all it does not leave you wanting. If humans could satisfy each other as well as Chipotle does, there would be no war, loneliness, or hunger. How's that for some hippie philosophy. But I digress.

Next, I hate coffee:

This bitter, inefficient, addictive, and unhealthy drink absolutely baffles me. Don't get me wrong, I have things I like to consume that are not necessarily healthy, such as Mountain Dew, doughnuts, pizza, Graeters Ice Cream, but there is a important difference between these blessings from above and coffee: they taste good, they do not induce dependency, and they have minimal withdrawal symptoms. People have allowed themselves to become conditioned to the point where they need to stop by Starbucks for their "Grande Latte Enema" every day on the way to work in order to feel ready to go. I should open up my own drive-thru where I will charge 5$ dollars to ruin your teeth, spill hot brown liquids on your lap, inject you with sugar and caffeine which will cause you to crash within an hour and ruin your circadian rhythm, and make you grouchy, thus ruining your relationships. On top of all that, you will be unable to resist the urge to come back for more.

While drinking a mountain dew at church one morning, someone came up to me and exclaimed, "How can you drink that so early in the morning?!?!"

"Easy," I replied, "It doesn't taste like scalding water that has had some foreign grown, burnt, brown, pellets of nastiness squeezed into it."

The third thing that I hate was imagined when a group fat, beady eyed, dark suited, little men got together in a room circa 1950 and had a conversation that went something like this:

Fat, round guy: "Ok men, Americans are too happy and content. We need to create large buildings that are cool to be seen at and that exude unreachable ideals of beauty, wealth, security, and happiness."

Beady eyed, fat man: "Yes, and we will tell them that buying things they don't need will get them closer to these ridiculous ideals."

Fatty McFatyson: "And there will be a huge place in the building where they can get the worst and most unhealthy imitations of ethnic food ever to be sold at ungodly high prices. "

Tubby, bald, red-faced man: "Ha, Ha, this will be like kicking Americans in their collective balls!"

Beady eyed, fat man: " Muahahaha! Yes, What shall we call these ball crushing monuments to the stupidity of the masses? What about 'Bonuments?"

Fat, round guy: "No. Gentlemen, we have just created...Malls!"

All: "YAY!"

These are some of the first few things of this uplifting series. Do check back for more entries on the FDS and other topics.


* may it be known that if one accepts the premise that there is good and evil in the world, I feel that you cannot be 'good' with out hating evil. Thus, it is perfectly normal - even "right" to hate. There I said it. It is impossible to "not hate anything". Freakin hippies